There's a Good Dog... by Chris Middlehurst

Author:Chris Middlehurst
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Hallucinatory, bizarre, experimental, avantgarde, animals, black comedy, space sex, zoophiles, illness, death, blood, violence, surreal, horror, faeces, toddlers, roadkill, travel, paranoia, alternative perspectives
ISBN: 9781785387135
Publisher: Andrews UK
Published: 2017-06-22T04:00:00+00:00

Chapter Five

“God damn it, Mrs Steadman! The poor thing’s sexual organs will be eroded for good if this treatment you insist on performing continues the way it’s going!”

“But doctor!”

“How many times do I have to tell you your dog is fine? This is the third time you’ve taken him to me this month! It’s getting ridiculous. You’ll castrate the poor thing. Who knows what’s going on through its head right now!”

“But I just want to be sure-”

“Mrs Steadman, if you ask me it’s not the dog that’s sick.” He pauses. “It’s you.”

“What exactly are you trying to say, doctor?”

“You know exactly what I mean. This dog’s had more needles stuck inside it than a Mexican voodoo doll.”

Patterns of squashed bugs line the eggshell walls, adding shades of mucky brown to the dirty grey. Ugh. The misery of the veterinarian’s. I had to share a ball with a beagle that had a brace round its neck. At first it was fun lifting the ball up with my teeth just to the side of him so every time he tried to bite at it he just bit the white rubber of the brace but it did start to get a bit tedious after a while. I’d much rather torture a healthy animal. There’s a picture on the wall of a man-child with cancerous moles in his eye sockets and a wasp’s nest beard sucking on a sickly yellow lollipop. Next to that is a sign with a white stick man praying into a toilet bowl that reads: “Smelly faeces? Headaches? Call this number. You could have pancreatic cancer.” Shit. I must have had it all my life. Just below the sign one of those white parrots with the yellow crest sits perched on a meter stick by the reception desk, half its neck chewed off. Its owner, a plump spectacled girl with curly hair keeps replacing its bandage when it turns purple with blood. Every time she does this, the animal bites at her fingers with its vicious-looking black beak and yells:

“HERRO!”

in a high-pitched screech. She tries to help it but it keeps slashing at her until she bursts into tears and sits down again in the waiting area. I give the animal a baleful look, but it just ignores me and stares dumbly at the gash in its neck, still shrieking:

“HERRO!”

to its burst arteries leaking blood onto its white wings. I thought those fuckers were meant to be smart. Obviously this is the village idiot of the species.

“But, doctor-”

Shirley getting hysterical again. Why does she take me here so often? I almost wish I did have a disease that I could pass onto her if only it would make her shut up.

The TV set in the reception area beeps and whirrs into life before fading into a re-transmission of the latest television serial featuring the evil Todd Baron, swashbuckling mermaid-beater of the seven seas. In this latest instalment of the aquatic saga, Todd has captured the sensuous Bianca, Princess of Hammerhead Reef and daughter of Pedro the Royal Clam.

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